I Can't Break Through
by madbutterfly
Summary: Shiki knows Neku doesn't return her feelings... but are her attentions really so hopeless? Eventual Neku/Shiki. Shiki's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**So, I was sitting in my living room freezing to death and eating jaffa cakes when this came out of nowhere, hit me round the head and demanded to be written. Ta-da. Tell me what you think, please.**

**Might have spoilers in it now and then, kind of. I'm not sure.**

**I am not very keen on this title. I couldn't think of one so this one'll have to do...**

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I know he doesn't like me.

I annoy him. I can tell. Sure, a lot of people and things annoy him... I just seem to get to him worse than the rest. I wish I didn't. The fact that I know I do hurts so much. I just want to get to know him. I want him to like me. I'd even be okay with just being his friend! I want us to be more than friends, but since I know that's impossible, especially with someone like Neku, who finds it so hard to make friends, I'm not aiming that high. There's no way I'd manage it.

I've tried being friendly to him, of course, but he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

He's not like this with Beat and Rhyme. Why not? What is it about me that's so repellant? I know I'm plain and ordinary and he probably sees me as childish for still carrying Mr. Mew around with me, but I'm not a bad person, am I? Is it so hard to be friends with me?

It's so typical. The boy I like finds me completely irritating and a nuisance. I've never been drawn to someone before like I'm drawn to him.

He's different... he's... I find him magnetic.

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"Shiki! Shiki!" squeals Rhyme as I stand by the statue of Hachiko, thinking about Neku. This was where we'd agreed to meet after the Game. Of course, that didn't happen until two weeks later... two weeks later than we'd agreed.

I brighten up as soon as I hear her voice. How can I not? This Rhyme we're talking about, and it's impossible for me to be unhappy around Rhyme.

I smile. "Hey Rhyme!" I say, waving.

She bounces over happily and looks concerned.

"You look down..." she says, tilting her head to one side. "What's the matter?"

I shrug. "Nothing really," I lie. "But really, I haven't seen you for a while - how are you?" I sound too bright. And since she's Rhyme, she'll see right through me. It is impossible to lie convincingly to her.

Rhyme clucks her tongue. "I'm great, but really, don't try to change the subject!" She gives me a forceful hug around the waist. "A problem shared is a problem halved, that's what I always say. Tell me what's bothering you!"

I shake my head. "Rhyme, it really is nothing. I'm just thinking, is that so bad?" I smile weakly.

She narrows her eyes, looking up at me, still attached to my waist. "You've been thinking about Neku."

"What?! I have _not_! Where are you getting this from?" I say, trying to keep my voice level.

"Well... you like him... that's obvious... and you looked sort of dreamy, as well as down, just now, so I think you were thinking about someone you like. Probably Neku." She is _way_ too insightful for her own good.

I wriggle free of her grasp. For such a small girl, she was a very strong grip.

"Please, Rhyme, don't. Leave it," I say a little sharper than I intended to, trying to get her to leave me alone without actually saying it. I don't want to hurt her. She's my friend and although I would rather be alone right now, I don't want to offend her and lose her friendship. Besides, if I lose her friendship, I would probably lose Beat's, and Neku doesn't want to be friends with me anyway, and so I would be left with Eri. Things have been strange between me and Eri ever since I came back to life. It will never be the same between us.

Anyway.

Rhyme looks sad. "Well." That's all she says. Just 'well'. She fiddles with her hat awkwardly, adjusting it. "I..."

"I'm sorry, Rhyme. I just don't want to talk about it." I hug Mr. Mew. I know it's childish but hugging him honestly makes me feel better.

The blonde girl smiles widely at me. "Oh come on Shiki, don't worry! It's okay if you don't want to talk! But if you ever want to talk about it..." She trails off and opens her arms slightly. "You can come to me!" She really is extraordinary. It's so hard not to confide in her.

"Of course, Rhyme." I smile softly, still feeling guilty.

"Well...um...I'm just passing through on the way home now, so I kinda need to go, but I'll see you later, okay?" she tells me, before stretching her arms out in front of her, smiling, and giving me another brief hug before she is once again lost in the crowds again.

It's too loud here. There are too many people; I feel like I'm suffocating. I need to go home.

Until I see Neku in the crowds. I feel like I'm frozen to the spot.

He glances up, and he's looking right at me. He looks me straight in the eye and I look away abruptly. I can't seem to maintain eye contact with him.

He looks away too, and carries on walking.

He doesn't even come over and say hello.

He doesn't care.

I look away and realise that it'll be getting dark soon. I hug Mr. Mew close to me, hide behind my hair and try to get home as quick as I can, before I start crying right out there in the street.

I wish I didn't feel this way about him.

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**Hmm...should I continue this or not? I have a few ideas of how I might progress on this but it's a bit pointless if no one wants me to. Reviews are love.**


	2. Chapter 2

**And we have a chapter two. I have no idea where I'm going to go this, I'm just improvising, just so you know...I don't plan what I write so this could turn out any way... O.O I know what's gonna happen at some point during this but have no idea how to get there. =P**

**It is still Shiki's POV. I think in later chapters I might switch things round a bit in that way, but that might not be for a while yet. We'll see.**

**Well, I wrote most of this in the early hours of the morning, which is the time when my urge to write something is the strongest (how convenient, not), and finished it after a long day at college, so I was very tired while writing. If this is below standards, I'm sorry. X_X Hope it's okay.**

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I got home later than I'd intended because there was such a mass of people at the Scramble. Everyone had got in my way! Is it so hard just to let a girl through? So frustrating!

When I finally _did_ get home, though, I kind of wish I'd stayed out just a little longer. Sure I was upset and wanted to get back there to mope without getting funny looks from passers-by, but my parents gave me funny looks when I came in, probably noticing the tear tracks streaking my face.

I felt that I was overreacting to this, but he'd completely blanked me, and it wasn't like he hadn't seen me because he looked me straight in the eyes. He hadn't even waved, for goodness' sake. He's so distant...

And my parents weren't exactly a comfort. They hadn't pestered me about what the matter was liked I'd expected, they didn't even mention it. On one hand, I was glad. It meant I didn't have to refuse to tell them repeatedly, but on the other hand... it made me feel a bit dejected, you know? I mean, even though I didn't want to be interrogated, _not_ getting interrogated made me feel worse, if anything...

After dinner, we just sat in silence, which was too awkward for words. With the TV on a little louder than normal and a painful silence smothering me, I had to run upstairs to my room, clutching Mr. Mew.

Sighing when I got there, just laying on my bed and thinking. No prizes for guessing who I was thinking of.

Still, laying there contemplating depressing things wasn't making me feel a lot better, so I heaved myself up and sighed heavily. I feel so lonely! I would usually talk to Eri every night on the phone, but she was on holiday, and so I could only talk to her online, and because she was off doing exciting things most of the time, we could communicate very little.

Of course, the one I'd _like_ to talk to is Neku. But I always feel too shy to get in contact with him, knowing how he feels. I don't want to seem clingy or even more irritating than he already finds me. He gave me his email address though... surely just sending one message wouldn't kill me, would it? I mean, I didn't even ask for it. He did it of his own accord... he probably felt obliged to because me, Beat and Rhyme were exchanging ours and then Rhyme asked for his, but even so, no one forced him... oohhh! I just don't _know_!

I shouldn't be obsessing over this. I should just do it. That's it, Shiki, don't think things through to much. Just get on with it... and go for it... yeah.

I nervously turn the computer on, and fidget restlessly on the computer chair as I wait. It's just a simple email, and yet I've got butterflies in my stomach I'm so nervous! I know I'm being silly but I always act silly when it comes to Neku. I find it hard to know how to act around him.

Tinkling music alerts me to the fact that the computer is on, and I stretch myself out a bit like a cat, forcing myself to just do it and quit worrying.

Opening my emails, trying to think of what I'm going to say, I feel my heart skip a beat as I see the emails there.

One from Rhyme, offering to continue talking about what was bothering me earlier... one from Eri, as always (of course I still love Eri, but I'm still finding it a bit hard to talk to her now. I'm sure things will be back to normal eventually but for now it's rather awkward)...and one...I blink and shake my head, as if that will help.

One from...Neku? _Neku_ sent _me_ an email?! Apparently it was sent only ten minutes ago... _after_ he ignored me. Weird.

I click it shakily and it can't load fast enough.

_**hey shiki. i saw you standing near the statue of hachiko and you seemed kinda upset and stuff because you were just staring into space. im not sure if you saw me but you didnt seem to because you didnt say anything. are you ok? :/**_

_**neku**_

I gape at the email like an idiot for a moment.

I open and shut my mouth as if thinking of something to say, though I've got no one to talk to. A little 'meep?' sound comes out anyway, of its own accord.

I nervously click the 'reply' button, though I have no idea how to respond, and try to shake off the feeling that's come over me, telling me that, just possibly, Neku might actually care. Because I know that _that_ is too much to ask... but the idea that I could become his friend might not be. And that's enough for me.

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**Was this short? I think it is but really don't know, since it was pretty much pieced together. I guess I'll see when I upload it...**

**Review pleasums? :3 Don't be too harsh on this one... D: I am fragile and insecure about my writing. =_=**


	3. Chapter 3

**And again, written mostly at night. That's just how it happens, apparently. Strange.**

**Oh, and while I remember: Because I don't feel like explaining it in the story, in this, after someone wins the Game and comes back to life, people who knew them can't remember that time while they were gone and just remember the players being in hospital, not actually dying. Because I don't really see how it could work in any way and that's about as close as I can get to explaining it to myself... so that's how this one works. :P**

**And thank you very very much to everyone who's reviewed/put this on alert. ^_^ It makes me very happy indeed.**

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Oh God oh God, what do I _say_?! Is he expecting me to say something back to him?!

I mean of course he'll expect something, but _what_?! What can I possibly put in response?!

Without really thinking, I nervously type in:

_**I'm fine.**_

As soon as I send it, I want to bash my head in with a mallet and take it back. 'I'm fine'? Really, Shiki, is that the best you can manage? How pathetic. I'm already embarrassed at having sent that. I needn't have answered it right away anyway. I could have responded after I'd had a chance to think it over and come up with something to say... he wouldn't know, and even if he did, why would he care? It's just an email. I doubt he was even expecting an immediate response.

I'm an idiot.

Idiot, idiot, idiot!

I immediately turn off the computer, not wanting to think about it. I'm so stupid...

I don't feel especially tired, and it's only nine o'clock, but I feel like today has been stretching out forever. I actually ponder getting into bed fully clothed; I've done it before, for reasons even I'm not totally aware of. However, it isn't very comfortable and it always agitates my mother if she finds out and I could really do without her going on and on about it, so I hastily change into my pyjamas and generally get ready for bed.

I can't sleep though. I wasn't really expecting to, since I wasn't sleepy in the slightest, but it's somewhat comforting anyway, snuggled under the covers with my eyes shut in the dark. It helps me forget all of today's events.

I wonder if that email really _does_ mean that Neku cares, in his own way... I doubt it... except... if he didn't... why would... and then... but he... ugh.

I can barely stand thinking about it anymore, I'm even boring myself with the same persistent topic of Mr. Distant and his odd little mixed signals.

I let my mind wander to other things, and sleep overcomes me, at long last.

When I wake up the next morning, I ache all over and groan out loud. Some time in the night I'd shifted around so much that my head was nearly hanging over the edge of the bed and my feet were on my pillow - I was on the bed the wrong way round. How on earth did that happen?

I shake my head in confusion and get up awkwardly, still feeling a little stiff.

Before anything else, I recall that I had other emails to read, one of which was from Eri. I really wanted to read that one, since we'd been in contact less since she went on holiday.

Normally I wouldn't get on my computer so early in the morning (although I noted that it was nearing midday and so could hardly be called early), but a wave of curiosity had flooded over me and I wanted to read it right away!

Logging on to the computer and opening my emails up again, I note that I've got a reply from Neku, but I really want to read what Eri has to say first.

_**Hi hon! Look, it was way too hot here a few days ago and we couldn't really go anywhere, so I got to thinking. We haven't worked on anything together since you came out of hospital... and to be honest, I really miss it! I've got a few things I've sketched out as the basics for a design, but it can't go anywhere without you... I love the way we used to work together and I think it'd be awesome if you'd agree to work w/ me again. What do you say? :)**_

_**I'd tell you what was going on here but I sent you a postcard. :D Hope it gets to you before I get home!**_

_**Luv,**_

_**Eri**_

_**PS: It's so hot. I've got such bad sunburn!! .**_

I smiled. It was true; since the Game ended, me and Eri hadn't worked on anything at all. I'd missed it too, to be honest, but I'd felt too shy to ask her first. I could do something by myself, but really, none of my designs are any good. I'm okay with that. As long as Eri's around, it's fine - design is her forte, and sewing is mine. When we make things together, it just _works_. We make a good team, simple as that.

_**Of course!**_ [I write back] _**I'd be happy to work on something again, but without you I find it hard to think of something to make. So if you have ideas it'd be awesome.**_

_**I hope you're having a good time. I miss you! That postcard sounds like an excuse to avoid telling me things, if you ask me! ;) Either way, I'd be delighted to work on something with you. :D**_

_**Wear suncream!!**_

_**~Shiki x**_

I looked the email over, and deciding it was okay to send, not stupid like my response to Neku was. Eri had gone to California with her parents, and had been told beforehand that it would be hot, but apparently hadn't listened. I giggled slightly. That was just like Eri - she always seemed to find things out the hard way...

I didn't really want to open the ones from Rhyme _or_ Neku. Rhyme was bound to keep asking questions, and I could really do without that. Neku would think I was an idiot and probably wouldn't hesitate to say so in his message. Even so, I was rather curious about what he would say, so I opened it anyway, knowing it would niggle at my mind until I did.

_**are you sure??? you can tell me if you're not ok. you know...if you want to...**_

I frowned slightly.

This didn't sound like Neku... had he had a brain transplant or something?! He sounded... concerned. Like he...

No. I won't think it. I won't get my hopes up only to have them dashed later.

Even so, even the slightest bit of potential concern from Neku made me feel pretty happy.

_**Honestly, I'm fine. :D I promise.**_

I reply, aware that it sounds almost pathetic as before. But it could be worse, right? I mean, it's not a two-word response. On top of it all, taking into consideration who I was talking to, he probably wouldn't expect much as he was pretty much the king of the one-word answers.

But somehow I felt happier already - with Neku showing some weird kind of concern and Eri willing to be a team with me again, it was hard to feel nearly as pessimistic as I did before.

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**I turned around once in bed like Shiki did. It was weird.**

**Off-topic: I finished this game for the fourth time today, and every time I do, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS. It has happened every time without fail and it's starting to creep me out. X_X Just on the day I finish the World Ends With You a bad incident occurs. I'm thinking that I'll never play it through to the end again at this rate.**

**But anyway, I'm thinking this chapter pretty much sucks. Well I tried...**

**Either way, reviews would be appreciated, as always.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I could not for the life of me think of where to continue from that last chapter. Um...I'm not sure how good this chapter is...but I think it could be worse? I don't know. Hope it's okay. :( I couldn't think of any other way to continue!**

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After eating breakfast, I hear a ring at the doorbell and race upstairs. I'm still in my pyjamas. I don't know who it is, but whoever it is might come in, and then they'd see me in my nightclothes. That happened once before when I hadn't anticipated the visitor to actually come in, and it was mortifying. After that I'd vowed never to let it happen again.

I need to get dressed anyway, so while I was up there I start brushing my teeth, washing, brushing my hair - just generally getting ready for the day. I can hear my parents letting someone in, using overly polite voices like it's someone they don't know very well. I can't hear who it is, but think absently that it's a good thing I'd come upstairs.

After getting fully ready, I head back downstairs again, not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself that day but curious as to who it was who'd come over. We rarely get visitors here who aren't invited first. It's probably just one of my parents' work friends, but even so, my curiosity has been piqued.

I peek into the lounge and nearly fly out of my skin, seeing Neku sitting there, fiddling with a loose string on his shirt and looking embarrassed.

"U-um...hi?" I say nervously, wondering if maybe I'm hallucinating. Why would he be here?

"Hey," he says quietly, glancing up and giving me a small smile. I think I see a hint of pink tinging his cheeks.

"So, what brings you here?" I ask, trying to appear casual even though my heart is beating so hard I'm sure Neku can hear it from where he's sitting.

"Well...I hope you don't mind," he replies in that same quiet, low, almost nervous tone. "I just thought...well something was clearly bothering you and I don't know what but you wouldn't tell me and so I just wanted to make sure you're okay and if you need to tell me you can," he blurted out all at once, not even stopping to draw breath.

I glance up to see where Mum and Dad are. They're in the kitchen. Mum looks at me and winks briefly, clearly thinking that Neku's my boyfriend or something, and watches us intently. I scowl at her and indicate to Neku that we should go upstairs, where we might actually be able to talk in private.

Once in my room he just stands there awkwardly, apparently not knowing where to look. I point to the chair in front of the computer and he takes a seat quickly, while I sit cross-legged on my bed, trying to work out what's he thinking.

He's not looking at me, he's looking down, covering his face with his long fringe.

"Thanks and everything," I say, keeping my tone just light enough to be convincing. I try not to let on how pleased I am that he was concerned. Concern was something I never expected from him. "But I'm really okay, I promise." I try to see his face. I want to see how he reacts to my words.

He spots what I'm trying to do and looks up, corners of his mouth twitching. I can tell he's trying not to smile.

"Really Shiki? I'm not stupid. And...I'm also quite stubborn...so...well, if you don't tell me I'll probably just keep asking what's wrong...until you do."

I wish I could tell him what was on my mind, I really wish I could. But I can't face the rejection. I can see that it's really possible to be friends with him now, but I won't kid myself that it could be anything more than that. Right now, I am more than happy with his friendship.

He stares at me intently, not speaking. Just staring me straight in the eye. I look away first, and when I glance back up, he's still staring. I squirm uncomfortably.

"Well...you see...it's not exactly bothering me...but it's about you," I say, and immediately regret it. Am I actually considering tell him how I feel? I know deep down that now is the time. Now is the time that I am actually going to say it, and I'm not afraid. I feel detached from the situation, like I'm not all there, so the fear isn't there either. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.

"About me?" asks Neku, tilting his head to one side. He reminds me briefly of a puppy trying to understand what its owner is saying, and the thought almost makes me smile.

"Y-yes," I murmur. "Look Neku...since the Game...I've...been thinking about you. A lot." I look up at him and try to read his face. He still just looks confused - that's all I can pick up on from his expression and because I'm not getting any form of encouragement I wish I could just stop talking and end this conversation. But then, I've got this far... "I...I...you..." The words are gone, and I can't say it. I just can't. Part of me wants to cry, I feel like such an idiot, but crying would only make things worse. I cover my face anyway so I can avoid looking at Neku.

I feel the bed shift and bounce slightly and I realise Neku has stood, and is sitting next to me on the bed.

"You know...Shiki..." he says. I still like it when he says my name. Even though he doesn't call me 'Stalker' anymore, he doesn't really seem to use names much. "I'm probably not really as oblivious as you...uh...seem to think..." he trails off.

There's a silence for a few minutes and I move one hand slightly down my face so I can crack one eye open and look at him. He's got an awkward, slightly pained but no longer confused expression on his face but I can't really tell what it means or what he's thinking.

"But...but apparently...you are," he says. Apparently I am what? Oblivious? I make a sort of unintelligent, questioning 'unh?' noise. "Look Shiki...I think I know what you're trying to say...and, well, think back to the Game. You remember...I told you...near the end. You remember what I told you? About what my...what my fee for the second week in the Game was?"

Second week of the Game? Fee? I wrack my brain for the answer to that, as I seem to have gone completely blank.

"It was _you_," he murmurs so quietly I can only just hear him, and takes my wrists to pull them away from my face, forcing me to look at him. "They took away what was most important to you as fee. My fee. Was. You."

I have no idea how to react, but I feel my eyes widening. What do I _say_? My heart feels like it's in my throat and all this feels so surreal.

There's a sudden movement and I can feel Neku pulling me towards him, arms around me and he's _hugging_ me. It's awkward and stiff and like he's not quite used to doing it but it's a _hug_ and it's from _Neku_ and to be honest, it's one of the best feelings in the world.

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**Weeell, either way. Review pleasums?**


	5. Chapter 5

**I cannot for the life of me think of where to go with my FMA fic so I'm writing this instead. Wahey. Someone make my inspiration come back! -sob-**

**Eh...I forced myself to write this. If I can start a chapter it usually pans out from there but I **_**really**_** had difficulties this time, which explains the rubbishy nature of it... well, here you go, anyway. :S**

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I just sit there with Neku's arm stiffly around me, and think maybe I can bring my arm up to return this strange, out-of-the-blue almost-hug, but as he feels my shoulder shift he lets go immediately and draws away, his expression completely blank. I feel my heart sinking slightly, but try not to show my disappointment, carefully keeping my features as emotionless as I can.

"...I'm sorry," he says after an awkward few moments, chewing his bottom lip.

"Why?" I say, smiling nervously.

He shrugs, not returning my smile. But then, he's not looking, so he hasn't seen it. He's tilted his head downward so he's looking at his lap, hiding his eyes behind his hair. It's a horribly familiar stance he's taken on - I can remember seeing it so often during the Game. It was different then, but now I never want to see that expression again.

As each uneasy moment passes, I feel my heart sinking more and more, until I feel an nearly overwhelming urge to cry. I can't cry; why would I? This sort of situation certainly does not require crying. I must control myself... yes. Control. I repeat this over and over in my mind like a chant, _control, control, control, control, control_, but it doesn't seem to help. It just makes the word lose meaning and if anything makes it worse.

"Look at me?" I squeak out. He sighs heavily and does so. He looks tired. "I don't understand," I tell him blankly, my voice shaking slightly. I actually sound a tad snippy, but really I'm just trying to keep my voice from wobbling so much that my urge to cry becomes obvious.

"Me neither," he says finally. He voice is even quieter than normal and more solemn than I'm used to.

There's another awkward silence. Ugh! I'm sick of silence between us, it feels so unnatural and, as I said before, _awkward_. And I always feel the urge to fill it, meaning I will probably say something stupid that I will regret later.

"Dammit!" I say, surprising myself. It's not something I say very often, and certainly in not such a cross tone. Then I clench my lips shut, embarrassed at the loud and horribly high-pitched exclamation. Where did _that_ come from?

Neku looks up sharply and _smirks_. At least I think he does. There's a very subtle shift in his features that makes me realise he did _something_, but his face is once again blank and expressionless. It's a look I'm more used to seeing on Neku but I still find it a little disconcerting for some reason.

I cough awkwardly. "Neku...why won't you talk to me?" I ask quietly, staring at my hands, which are now in my lap. I thought he'd opened up a bit after the Game, but he hasn't. Not really. I don't know why I really thought he would... he's still Neku, after all.

It's not a lot, just a simple question, but he doesn't answer. He just sighs heavily and runs his hand loosely through his hair, carefully so as to not dislodge his headphones. I'd only just noticed he was wearing them today. I'm still pretty used to seeing him wearing them, but occurs to me that he'd been wearing them less recently...why would he wear them today?

I clear my throat, trying to prompt him into saying something, _anything_.

"I...I can't deal with this right now," he murmurs, shaking his head and clenching his eyes shut for a moment.

"Um-" I started to say, but before I know it he's on his feet and out the door, leaving me gaping after him.

What was _that_? Why would he _do_ that? He comes over...gives me some sort of awkward, bony hug...and then walks out when I ask him to talk to me? What did I do wrong this time?

He told me once that he doesn't understand people. Well it's pretty much impossible to understand _him_. I just can't seem to get through to him, no matter how hard I try.

I sigh, rest my elbows on my thighs and bury my face in my hands. Why do I even bother?

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**Today has been a **_**horrible**_** day for me, so very very horrible, and I'm actually just slightly furious now, due to my computer messing with me and being evil and deleting three of my stories for no reason (this actually nearly made me cry. I worked hard on those). Make it better by reviewing, even if it's to say something negative. This was actually going to be a fair bit longer, but I couldn't think of a way to end the next scene I'd written out, so cut out the last portion to post as the first part of the next chapter, which will hopefully be a bit better than this. :/**

***pesters for reviews a little more***


	6. Chapter 6

**I wanted to have this up sooner, but the weather is really, really bad at the moment. As in non-stop wind and rain, though it's eased up now. Because of this, I couldn't access the internet for a while, at least not long enough to get something uploaded. But it's here now. Sooo... yeah.**

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Eri came back a couple of days later, and I immediately felt happy to see her. While things are still a little..._strange_ between us, we're still best friends. The first day she was back she focussed on unpacking and getting used to the time zone again, but the second day she came over at around noon, looking very sunburned and tired, but also very happy.

When I open the door to her, she beams and throws her arms around me with a light squeal.

After she comes up to my room and tells me about her holiday (which was seemed surprisingly uneventful considering how much she talked about it in her emails, although admittedly she talked more about the area and weather than actual sights she'd seen or stuff like that), she pulls out some rough sketches she's done, seemingly out of nowhere.

"I know it's not very good yet," she says, holding out a piece of scrap paper with one of her designs on it, "but it's just an idea so far, and I just _know_ that if..." She trails off, staring at me silently, looking confused and a bit upset.

I glance up at her from the paper, and the t-shirt design that is apparently 'not very good yet' but is still a hundred times better than anything I could've come up with. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"I should be asking you that," says Eri, squinting at me oddly. "You're acting...different. Like something's on your mind. Um, I mean, if you don't want to do this now that's fine...we can arrange for a better time."

"Don't be silly!" I reply, actually slightly horrified at the thought.

Eri smiles slightly. "Is it just my imagination...?" she says quietly, like she's asking herself more than me. "Well, either way. If you're sure you're okay, we can carry on...or not. Look, we have to get a time that's good for both of us, right?! So if you're not okay just tell me!!" She goes a little pink and waves her hands a bit.

I suddenly feel incredibly guilty. Here Eri is, my best friend, and I'm ruining what could be a great day by thinking about other things! It could easily upset her, as well as delay the process of getting back on more normal terms with her.

"Actually, I'm perfectly okay. I just drifted off for a moment there!" I smile, and find that actually, I mean it.

-

Eri didn't stay as long as I thought she would. She hadn't given herself enough time to adjust and kept yawning while she was talking, until I told her that she should go home before she fell asleep in the middle of my room. She was reluctant at first - and I didn't want to make it seem like I was trying to get rid of her - but when her eyelids drifted shut and she hit her head lightly on the wall, she admitted defeat and headed home.

That means I'm all alone again, not having a clue what to do with myself. Grabbing my phone and turning it on, not sure what I'm intending to do with it but figuring there must be something on it that I can use to pass the time. Unexpectedly, and rather confusingly, I've got a message from Neku. Why does he keep doing this? Why can't he say these thing to my face? He can be so annoying.

_**i shouldn't have run. im sorry. meet me by hachiko tomorrow at 2. ok?**_

That's all it says. I realise he probably wants a reply, but I don't want to give one. I don't really have anything to say to him. It almost feels like he's playing with my emotions and I don't have the patience for that right now.

I don't even know if I'll go. Maybe I won't. That'd show him...

...

Who am I kidding?

Of course I'll go.

It hardly even feels like I have a choice in the matter.

-

Inevitably, I find myself at the Statue of Hachiko the next day, uncomfortable in the hot afternoon sun. It's a little earlier than arranged, which explains why he's not here, but I still feel rather agitated and restless just standing there scanning the crowd for him.

When I see the familiar, unusual spikes of his red hair bobbing amongst the other pedestrians, I feel my heart leap into my throat and have to fight the urge to squeak and hide behind Hachiko.

As it happens I just pretend that I'm watching the clouds, trying to make it seem like I'm _not_ waiting anxiously for him. It's hard to seem nonchalant but I can give it my best shot.

"Shiki," I hear a voice say, lower than normal. I glance down away from the sky and eye the speaker nervously. He hasn't got his headphones on now, I notice. I like that. It makes it feel like he's actually going to listen to me. It's hard to talk to him with the barrier of his headphones there. They serve their purpose all too well.

"If you're going to run off..." I say, and then realise I don't know how to end that. "...Don't," I finish shortly. "Just talk to me or don't bother." I struggle to keep my voice from quivering. At this rate everything will go back to how it was before; even Neku's friendship will be out of reach.

He gives his head a little shake to make his hair fall over his eyes and then peeks at me through the spikes like he thinks I don't realise he's looking. This sight almost makes me laugh. He looks like some sort of small woodland creature and it's so unlike the Neku I'm used to it's absurd.

"I bef o wa oo ay," he says, his voice muffled due the fact that he is speaking into his collar.

"What was that?"

"I don't know what to say," he says, clearly this time. "I just felt like I needed to see you, but I don't know why." Attempting to use x-ray vision to look past his fringe to his face, I faintly make out a frown etched onto it. Well, at least that's more like the Neku I'm used to...

"To apologise?" I say lightly, feeling more confident than I've ever done before for some unknown reason. Again, I feel detached from the situation.

"I guess?" he says, looking up properly. In looking up his hair falls to the side of his face and I can see his expression clearly once again. Not that I _really_ can - his face in perfectly blank. "I don't freakin' know what's happening and I don't know why, but I don't think I like it and I'm sure as hell not used to it. It's weird." He sighs heavily. "Screw this. Sorry I wasted your time. I gotta go." He turns around and feel more frustrated than I have in a long time. WHY must he keep DOING this?!

"I told you not to run off!" I say, aware that I sound a bit shrill but not caring. I grip his arm and sort of want to stare at him resolutely because that seems to be what someone else would do in this situation, but I am not that someone and can only look at my shoes.

"Well, whatever! I'm going! I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, and do you think this is helping? I can't...I just can't...let me go."

"Neku, I have no idea what's going through your head, but for the love of god, running away isn't helping either. Just stay here and talk to me just for once. You can't run every time something happens that you're not used to." I tug on his arm slightly. "I won't let you go until you do. _Please_."

"Running has always worked in the past," he mutters in typical grouchy Neku fashion, but I can't help but notice that he lets me lead him over the wall by Hachiko, and sits down on it next to me without any further complaint.

**------------**

**Bugger this for a game of soldiers. I'm going to bed. Why is that I always write fanfics when I'm in bed at night?**

**Review now, my pretties.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Out later than I'd hoped...but I was concentrating on writing my short story for English as well as other things that were generally more important. I have some more free time now. So, I have no clue what is going to happen in this chapter, since I am still completely improvising. :P Well anyway, here we go.**

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As soon as we sit down on the wall, Neku arranges his hair to hide his face again. I feel a rather intense urge to tuck it back or something, and my hands itch to do so. It's ridiculous, it's not like I'm his mother or anything. But I like to be able to see his face. He often keeps his face as neutral as he can, but when I can see it, little twitches and movements can give his mood away anyway. At least that way I have some chance of understanding.

"You have to stop blocking me out," I say, trying not to sound as miserable as I feel. "The day you ran off... I thought we were actually getting somewhere then, before you did. Now we're back to square one? What's happening with you?" I place my hand on his shoulder and Neku lets out a little growling noise, or at least I think he does. It was quiet and it might have been my imagination, but I quickly remove my hand from his shoulder anyway just in case.

"That...is what I...want to _know_," he grits out, and judging from the tone of his voice, that growl definitely _was_ from him. "I don't know what the hell I'm feeling, it's weird and annoying...only...it's not. It'll go away eventually, but you aren't helping much. You seem to make it want to...stay or something." He gives me a sideways look.

I sigh and look down. "You really aren't very good at dealing with your emotions, are you?"

"Who gives a damn? It's not like I need to!" he snaps.

This is so typical. I should have expected this, this will get us nowhere. He'll run off again, I'll go home and wonder, and we'll go round in circles getting precisely nowhere. What more can I do? I'm not so great at dealing with Neku, he's such a mystery. He closes himself off from me and other people deliberately and very, very effectively.

"Eri," he says, and I glance at him in confusion. "Eri. Over there," Neku repeats dully, nodding into the crowd of people going about their business, and I don't spot her at first because there's too many people, until I hear a laugh that is definitely hers, and see her talking on her phone.

"Okay..." I really wanted to talk to him, even in public was fine, and Eri was talking to someone else, but somehow him pointing that out had thrown me a little and I forgot what I was about to say. "Um. Look, I actually kind of want to talk to you here. She's busy anyway."

He stays silent for a few moments before shaking his head and looking away. I frown a little until I realise that he must have meant she'd finished, because I felt an unexpected hand come to rest on my shoulder and jump a little.

"Oh...Eri. Hi," I mumble, taken off-guard. I stand up to return the hug she's giving me.

"Hey!" she smiles, bright and bubbly as ever. "And hey...you. What's your name?" she asks Neku.

He doesn't react for a few moments, but eventually decides to act like a civil human being, muttering "Neku" under his breath, like he's only saying it because he really, really has to.

Eri's smile doesn't falter, in fact it widens, and she actually leans forward and _hugs_ him. I gape and Neku gives her a strange look. He doesn't return the hug, and I didn't expect he would, but Eri doesn't seem to notice and just withdraws and continues to smile.

"Neku... Cute name!" she says afterwards and he looks away.

I wince slightly, remembering saying the same thing to him when I found out his name during the Game. I guess I was acting more like her than I even intended to.

Eri paused. "Look Shiki, we never got to finish off last time because of the changes I'm gonna make to that t-shirt and everything. I'll call you tomorrow or this evening, so we can continue soon, is that okay? It's so annoying leaving a job half-finished, don't you think?" She finishes on a giggle.

I nodded. "Too true! Call whenever you like." I smile slightly. "We'll see what we can do."

"You know it! Well, bye, Shiki. Bye-bye, Neku!"

"Goodbye," I say faintly as he weaved through the crowds, a spring in her step as always. Neku lets out a vague grunting noise and watches her until she's out of sight.

"You know, I don't think I like her much," Neku mutters.

This surprises me. It's Eri. She's fun and bubbly and likeable... How can anyone not like her? This actually hurts a bit; I feel almost personally insulted, like I need to defend her.

"Why not? What's wrong with her?" I try to sound annoyed, but it comes out more meek and timid. Typical.

"Meh." Neku glances away. "I dunno. She's just... somehow... overbearing? Whatever, I don't like her. Just because you do doesn't mean I have to as well."

"Jeez, Neku, do you really like anyone?" I sigh, rolling my eyes.

It was a rhetorical question, but he looks at me closely as I sit back down next to him on the wall and I can just about catch a strange glint in his eye before his hair falls over his face again. "Maybe," I hear coming from behind the barrier of hair and collar he's created for himself.

"Hmm." That's all I say, because it's all I can _think_ of to say. I can't say I'm convinced.

There's more silence. I think he's expecting me to say something. I'm sure not expecting _him_ to. Expecting Neku to say something unprompted is sort of like expecting your pet cat to get up, put a tophat on and start doing a tap dance.

"I'm sick of this," I mutter.

"Huh?"

"I'm sick of waiting for you! I'm sick of _this_, sick of the silence, sick of waiting for you to make up your mind about...about...about whatever this is." I stand up again, feeling my hands trembling slightly, for some reason. "We're getting nowhere, you know..."

Neku stands up alongside me. "I know we're getting nowhere. Where...where is there for us to go?" He pauses. "Did that make sense?"

"In a way," I sigh. "Look...this is it. What do you want to happen? Because I'm not going to wait around anymore. Tell me what you want or let's just give up." _And go our own separate ways and never see each other again, because if we're not going anywhere with this it'll be easier on both of us to just cut off contact and forget we ever knew each other._

Neku goes into wall-mode, hair over face, expression blank. "I want...I don't know." There's a moment of silence, before he pushed his hair out of his face and stares at me intently, his piercing blue eyes seeming to stare right into my soul. "I..." He lets out a heavy sigh before leaning forward and placing a feather-light kiss on my cheek, so light I can only just feel it. "I don't have a freaking clue what I want...but I know I want you to be part of my life. In some way. I dunno. You know, whatever."

Ignoring the last, flippant part of that, I smile. "Maybe we're finally _getting somewhere_..."

"Yeah, well, you know, whatever. Either way."

Without thinking, I lean forward and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I'm not sure whether he stiffens or whether he was always standing this rigid, and I don't really care either.

"I want you to be part of my life too."

"We're in public!" he blurts out, but he puts one arm round behind my back and pulls me just a little bit closer nonetheless.

I peek up at him. His face is red and flushed, his expression one of mild embarrassment mixed with what looks like happiness, though it's hard to tell because I've never really seen Happy Neku for more than a few minutes at a time.

"I don't care if we're in public," I tell him simply.

"You know...if you really want me to be in your life...you're just gonna be stuck with me from here on."

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning. "Again, I don't care. Ever occur to you that I might _want_ to be stuck with you?"

He snorts out a laugh. "Last chance to back out, y'know."

"Absolutely not."

I feel him heaving a large sigh, ruffling my hair slightly. It tickles but I refuse to move away from him.

"Fine! Fine! You win," he announces, giving me a slight pat on the back before letting his arm flop down to his side. I move away too, feeling that the hug had been going on for entirely too long anyway.

"I win?"

"You're sick of waiting? Well, you don't have to anymore. I don't have a clue what's happening...but...I like it. I think. It's strange but...but it's not unpleasant..."

"As long as it's not..."

"Shiki?"

"Yes?"

"Can I...can I kiss you now?"

"For the love of god, please do."

As I feel his lips awkwardly moving over mine, I realise I have no idea what's happening either, but whatever it is, I love it. And after waiting so long for it, I wouldn't let it slip away without a fight.

Not after I've waited for so long, had to endure him running away, ignoring me, being terminally distant and near-permanently grumpy.

After being confused and unhappy and frustrated for ages up to now, I finally had the chance to be really _happy_ again.

The thought of being stuck with Neku?

Fantastic.

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**Oh my god. O_O It ended. I started writing this, and it ended! I didn't even think this would be the last chapter! Well... eh... I hope this isn't a really crappy ending...**

**Tell me if it sucks. If it does, I might consider deleting this chapter and writing a new one, or maybe I'd change how it ends, because I don't knooow. D:**

**Read over only once; sorry for any mistakes.**

**Well, anyway. Happy holidays!**


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